If you
continue to live and not kick the bucket in a hurry, one day you will become
old. Old age is inevitable. There are a number of things associated with old
age - failing health, falling teeth, loss of hearing, balding, decreased
physical fitness, forgetfulness, boredom and so on. These are well known and
documented exhaustively. What I find funny are some hidden aspects of old age
which no one wants to talk about.
As we grow
old, we slowly develop unusual ways to communicate with our friends. This new
development afflicts one and all in some fashion or the other.
We tend to
become repetitive in our social interactions and sometimes narrate the same
incident or anecdote over and over again. There is a friend of mine ‘Repeat Raja ‘who joins me occasionally
on my walk. I have heard his narrative on how he repaired a boat engine some
thirty years back, at least a dozen times. I know all the details of the
repair, the leaky ‘Gearbox Lube Oil’, why Vertex Ratchet is better than ‘Montstar
17 mm Two Way Wheel Spanner” etc. If I should even dare to try and change the
subject, he brazenly tells me not to distract him till he completes his
narration and the story continues. His repertoire includes many exciting and
captivating stories such as – “How he transferred 243 tons of Furnace Fuel Oil
in 6 hours flat (1974)”, “Exchanging used oil for prawns in the Indian Ocean (1977)”,
“Boiler cleaning and black soot” (1980) and so on.
Recently, my
friend and I drove long distance by car to attend our common friend’s 70th
birthday party. This one loves to hold forth on some obscure topic and talk
endlessly in a monotonous tone. There is no escape from this onslaught. Unlike
the repetitive kind, ‘Boring Babu’
embarks on a fresh topic each time he pontificates. This time, I had to endure
him for more than an hour, while he educated me on ‘Sewage Treatment Plants’
and ‘Composting’. Fortunately for me, the host served lots of chilled Tuborg
beer and loads of meat for lunch. The return journey was extremely calm and
peaceful as we snored our way home.
Another kind
is the one who offers unsolicited advice on almost every subject. Some of us
sit in the garden in our colony after the end of our evening sabbatical and
exchange pleasantries and indulge in some harmless banter. I happened to
mention that I was to attend a function the next day in a nearby locality and
was travelling by ‘Uber’. This was sufficient to trigger an unsolicited response
from my friend ‘Helpful Hari’. He
then went on to dole out advice (unsolicited, of course) on why I should not
use ‘Uber’ and instead take my own car. Unfortunately the conversation did not
end there. He went on to explain the entire 12Km route in great detail, with
all the turns, road names, land marks, one way streets etc.
The next
morning I went by ‘Uber’.
Then there is
the harmless variety. This one gets
easily distracted and mid way through the narration he forgets what he was
saying and slips into silence. I am still in a state of suspense regarding the
final outcome of his dog biting his mother in law. He is yet to narrate the
ending of the fateful night when he returned home past midnight full of spirit
from the local club. ‘Forgetful Frankie’ is yet to complete
any narration in a single attempt.
The next is
the ‘Hop Skip and Jump’ variety. He
will start in right earnest, “Pubs you must hear this funny incident, I was
returning from the airport and … talking about airport taxis, we took a Toyota
Etios… Roads are in such pathetic state
…GPS is not for India…I must say this new phone 1 Plus 3 is damn good… see the
hospital on the right, this is where my grandson was born … and he continues to
HSJ through the entire conversation.
The worst one
is ‘Hypochondriac Haridevan’. He
starts “Hey, not met you for a long time, how are you?” Then you make a tame
but conventional comeback, “I am fine, what about you?”This one statement is
sufficient to trigger a massive response. “I am not well, in fact the doctors
have told me to stay indoors as I am just recovering from ‘allergic bronchitis’,
added to this I have ‘Gout’ and not forgetting sleep ‘apnea’ at night. Just
about the time you have recovered from this medical impact, he starts again,”
be careful of this strange skin rash my neighbor has got – OMG, it’s all over
him, to top it all it’s contagious, I too may have contacted this”. That when I
do an Usain Bolt on him.
I do not know
what diet they eat at home but it makes them go daggers at all things they see
and hear. ‘Angry Arun’ is let out of
the cage every day from 5PM to 8PM. He
occupies a vantage point in the park and methodically stalks his prey. Once in
his deadly grasp there is no escape, you have to hear all his cribs and
complaints till some other unsuspecting prey happens to fall into the trap.
Hopcoms vegetables are rubbish, Nandini milk is adulterated, security staff is
useless, dhobi requires a kick, my neighbor stinks and so on ad nauseam.
And finally
it’s ‘Silent Satya’ who takes the
pride of place. He joins us regularly on the bench in the park and does not
utter a single word. He has no news to relate, gossip to narrate or information
to share with others. His stony silence is extremely exasperating to say the
least. Yet he sits through the entire evening – physically at least.
I am very sure I belong to some group or the
other for believe me, there is no escape from this syndrome unless we try
really hard. Even then, we may just come up with a new category at best…which
someone else will probably write about.
It’s up to
you to see where you belong.
Till then,
cheers and happy reading!
